Catullus 39 Translation

Egnatius, who has bright teeth,

Shines always everywhere. If he comes to court

When the speaker excited crying,

That man grins; If at the funeral pyre where one mourns a

Devoted son, at the time a bereft mother weeps for her only son,

That man grins.  Whatever is going on, wherever he is,

Whatever may happen, he grins: This man has a vice,

Neither elegant, as I think, nor courteous.

Therefore, you heed my advise, good Egnatius.

If you are from the city or Sabine or Tibur

Or a stupid Umbrian or a fat Etruscan

Or  a dark and toothed Lanuvian

Or Transpadine, to mention briefly my own,

Or whoever of those who cleanly wash their teeth,

Yet I wish you not to grin always and everywhere:

For no thing is more foolish than foolish laughter.

Now you are a Celtiberian: In the Celtiberian land,

Everybody is in the habit of pissing in the morning

And scouring their teeth and red gums with it,

In order that the higher the polish is on your teeth,

The greater this might proclaim that you have drunk your piss